I’ve written a lot of poems and songs about PTSD. I’ve painted and drawn images trying to capture the intensity of my symptoms. Nothing really can illustrate what it feels like to suffer from PTSD. Some of the symptoms are flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, rage, despair, and hopelessness and they are intense.

My symptoms come in wave after wave. I can go for weeks feeling like I need to jump out a window and then miraculously feel hopeful and positive again for no obvious reason. Likewise, everything can seem perfect but somehow I’ll end up lying in fetal position and just sobbing. The pain can be so debilitating.

When Aquamarine Space Unicorns made our album Anartist, I wrote a song that had no words, just nightmarish screeches and noises. It spoke to me. THIS music was finally on the right track, at least in my screwed up mind. One Saturday night as we were finalizing vocals for the rest of the album, my husband served me an abundance of Finlaggen whiskey and told me to let loose about my feelings. I collapsed onto the floor and cried my eyes out. I screamed at my ex, my sisters, my children, the corrupt lawyers and failure of the legal system. I cried and cried and cried.

If you listen to this song, try to get past the screeching notes and excruciating ear pain and listen to what’s behind it. About 25 seconds in, you’ll hear what PTSD feels like. through my whiskey laced meltdown. As the song progresses, things seem to return back to normal with the humdrum sounds of life entering about 2 minutes in, only to turn back into chaos a minute later.

I’m proud of this crazy song because it’s what it feels like to be me.

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