Sister or Victim Blamer?

Sister or Victim Blamer?

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked just after I received the news that I’d been banished from the wedding.

I replied “No”. I just wanted to be left alone. My husband had tried to kill me and when that failed he concocted a bullshit smear campaign and successfully ruined my family relationships.

I had lost my home, my possessions, my dog and my children because of my abuser. I was devastated. And I was terrified of my abuser who continued to stalk and harass me while he awaited trial for his crimes.

“I understand your not wanting to talk about things, but I am in agony and need to.” She said. “I cannot even wrap my head around the deterioration of your relationship with your kids. I do not know how you let this happen, but from where I sit, it has continued to look like you have gone to some other dimension created out of feeling victimized and misunderstood.”

She was blaming me. My husband torched my house while I was in bed and she was blaming me.

“You think that the only people who understand and support you are your online friends and that is so insulting. Were they the ones at the hospital in the middle of the night, or was that your brother? Did they rush to the hospital immediately to make sure you were okay or was that your mother and your brother? Did they rush to see you, with a bag of clothes in hand, on the day of the fire, or was that me? Did they open their home to you for as long as you needed, or was that your sister….and Mom?”

Why did she say this? I was eternally grateful to my family and I had thanked them repeatedly for what they’d done for me.

“If you can’t figure out who loves you anymore, then I am so sorry for you”, she said. “If you can only react in anger to everything, and continue to demonize everyone who is trying to help you, then I am sorry for you.”

Again, why was she saying these hurtful words to me? The only person I was angry with was my abuser.

She went on “Your lies have got to stop. Your dangerously sick relationship with John has got to stop. You two have embraced victimhood for too long and have become so narcissistic and self-absorbed and dishonest, that it is just crazy. I don’t know who you are anymore.”

She continued to lay guilt and shame on me. “I only know I miss my little sister and I, along with EVERYONE else is feeling sick over this entire mess. I hope you can find it within yourself to see beyond yourself and make things better.”

“The damage you and John have done to your children has been life-changing for them. They are seeing things much more clearly than you right now and their families support them 100%. I love you and I cry for you and for your family and for our family.”

She loved me? I sure as hell didn’t feel loved. If she loved me, she would have defended me not only after my abuser tried to burn me to death, but also when he and his flying monkeys demonized me in order to save his ass. If she loved me, she wouldn’t have claimed she didn’t know who I was anymore. She would have said “My sister isn’t okay. I need to find out why and I need to help her.”

I replied “Wow you have so many facts wrong. But thanks for sharing your opinion. Nice to know I’ve wasted my time talking to a therapist who has been giving me advice on what I need to do to feel better. Once more, I did NOT lie to you or anyone else about Twitter, and who the fuck are you all, the social media police?”

“I don’t remember EVER saying that the only people who support me are those people! I did say they have supported me a lot and even helped me get my apartment because I didn’t feel comfortable asking mutual friends of my abuser to do references!! WTF?”

I said “Who am I? I’m a wife who thought things were fine until my husband torched himself! I’m a mother who has been trying to fix relationships that were torched too. I’m going by advice a professional is giving me to get back on my feet! You have NO RIGHT to judge and make assumptions about my marriage. I’ve been looking in the mirror for months! I’ve also been trying to help John for months. I’ve done more than I should to try and help him! I’m not wasting another minute emailing. You want to talk, then call me. Otherwise, don’t waste my time. “

She replied “I would call but I can’t talk to you right now…all I would do is cry.”


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