This blog has been a wonderful way of regurgitating all the pain I’ve swallowed. I caused pain too. I said a lot of hurtful things to people I loved and I’m sorry about that. I became a public hot mess on social media partly because I wanted to offend my family and partly because I was, in fact, a hot, traumatized, suicidal mess. I have no shame about anything I ever posted but I did offend and so I am sorry. I don’t get to decide if I hurt people any more than they get to decide if they hurt me.

But facts are facts. I am the domestic violence survivor and the crime victim. I am the one who experienced the abusive marriage and the only witness to the crimes. And I am the one who was alienated and blamed for the breakdown of my marriage and family after those crimes.

My memoir is just a detailed diary of every word texted or emailed between me, my abuser and members of my family. For me, it’s validation that I am not the evil, raging bitch everyone painted me as. It’s proof that I am resilient, adaptive, loving and honest.

I am very grateful to the many therapists, advocates and support group peers who allowed me to express my feelings of fear, grief, anger, and hope. I am also grateful to my employer who believes in me and my story and to the Jeanne Geiger Center and Detective Wile who helped save my life post-fire through their efforts on my behalf via the DVHRT.

Most importantly, I have been so very fortunate to have a partner that has been by my side every step of the way for over three years. Without the unconditional love and support of my spouse, I would most likely be homeless, or worse. It was my spouse who created the framework so that I could unpack the trauma churning inside my head and make some sense of it (I love you!).

The last step toward peace has been posting my latest blogs. Instead of publishing my memoir, I chose excerpts to illustrate the many layers of family dysfunction that we all experienced post-fire. By blogging my story in pieces, I’ve accomplished a sense of closure without airing all the dirty laundry. I have wanted and needed to talk about it for so long, but no one would allow it, except my brother Eddie. He and his family are the only ones who’ve let me talk, actually listened to what I had to say and even cried with me (I love you guys).

I am finally at peace almost five years after my abuser torched my life.

I’ll probably still blog once in a while about life going forward and of course about domestic violence. But I don’t need anyone from my past to make me feel whole anymore. I have let go and it feels so liberating!


Comments are closed.