I Am Loved

I Am Loved

We just returned from a week in LA. We had three glorious days in Disneyland with a 1-year-old and an 8-year-old and then spent the rest of Thanksgiving week with family. All I can say is, as exhausted as I am, IT WAS LIFE-CHANGING.

For a very long time, I have felt unworthy of anyone’s love, especially from children. My past relationships have instilled in me an enormous sense of inferiority. I was duped by people who I thought loved me when they suddenly decided I didn’t deserve their affection anymore. And believe me, that kind of emotional damage is something you never truly recover from.

But remarkably, I have become a bonafide member of a family that genuinely cares about me. Although I’ve been in the family for three years, I was anxious about this trip because I knew I’d be spending alone time with two children who’d depend on me for everything, from feeding and diaper changes, to going on Disney rides and buying the coolest souvenirs.

I used to be a mom. I used to have complete confidence in my nurturing skills. I used to take pride in my parenting. Then everything changed, my relationships were destroyed and I was deeply hurt. I’d read my sister’s insipid blogs and cry until I realized they never really change. Each one is devoid of anything but the same “mother earth” pablum as if her entire existence depends on her nurturing skills.

My life, on the other hand, exists because of my inner fortitude and ability to take chances and begin anew. And I’ve been rewarded with children who think I’m pretty fricken awesome as well as a support system of adults who find me undiscriminating, kind, empathetic, humorous and trustworthy.

I don’t need to write the same blog over and over and over again to validate my worthiness. I’m not dependent on my children or my children’s children to feel alive. I already AM alive. And I am loved.

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