A Lesson in Hypocrisy

A Lesson in Hypocrisy

This is a lesson in practicing what you preach when treating victims of oppression with dignity and respect and holding perpetrators responsible for their actions. It’s a lesson about enabling oppressors and blaming their victims.

A black man was murdered in broad daylight by a police officer and his accomplices. He begged for mercy, but his life was violently snuffed out because white supremacy, a common link to toxic masculinity, is thriving in America. 

POC lost their shit in the aftermath, and justifiably so. They were fucking pissed off that a cop, sworn to serve and protect, murdered a member of their community. Physiologic and emotional shock scorched every nerve ending in their collective body and they erupted in full-on rage.

A white woman was almost murdered in the dark of night by her violent abuser. She fought back and was seconds away from having her life snuffed out because toxic masculinity, a common link to white supremacy, is thriving in America.

She lost her shit in the aftermath. She was fucking pissed off that her abuser torched her house and murdered her pet. Physiologic and emotional shock scorched every nerve ending in her body and she erupted in full-on rage. 

The black man is dead, and the world is carrying his grief to extremes to make their point – Black Lives Matter. The white woman is alive, but her life is dead because she was blamed for her history and condemned for her reaction- Domestic Violence Survivors’ Lives Don’t Matter. 

The following quotes were written by the woman’s son during nationwide riots on May 30, 2020. They have been “adjusted” to change the context:

“Accountability for White People starts with Trump. It’s unacceptable to support him.”

Accountability for our family starts with Dad. It’s unacceptable to support him.

“When white people can’t even be courageous enough to publicly hold their friends and family accountable for supporting this kind of evil, we can’t be shocked when nobody else holds them accountable either.”

When our family can’t even be courageous enough to publicly hold their friends and family accountable for supporting this kind of evil, we can’t be shocked when nobody else holds them accountable either.

“I’m seeing a lot of people more focused on property damage than on the injustices that led to this chaos. Cause and Effect people. You’d act crazy too if you felt as oppressed and threatened as these people do. It’s like kicking your dog repeatedly then getting mad when it bites everyone. Blame white supremacy for your broken windows, not the oppressed.”

I’m seeing a lot of people more focused on my mother’s damaging behavior than on the injustices that led to this chaos. Cause and effect people. You’d act crazy too if you felt as oppressed and threatened as my mother does. It’s also like battering your wife repeatedly and setting her house on fire, then getting mad when she bites everyone. Blame toxic masculinity for your broken family, not the oppressed.

People are sick and tired of a society that has routinely shown it doesn’t care about, respect, or provide enough opportunity for all people. They are rejecting the rule of law because the law doesn’t protect them. Saying things like “they can’t get their point across by looting” just exposes a person’s ignorance and mixed-up priorities. White people are fine with rioting as long as they are the ones doing the rioting.”

People are sick and tired of a family that has routinely shown it doesn’t care about, respect, or provide enough support for all abuse victims. They are rejecting the family because the family doesn’t protect them. Saying things like “she must have played a role in the breakdown of her marriage” just exposes a person’s ignorance and mixed-up priorities. Families are fine with abuse as long as they are the ones doing the abusing.”

If we want accountability, we have to start holding each other accountable more. This idea that you should just “agree to disagree” and “put politics aside” with friends and family, is a construct of white powers that is designed to keep them in power. All it does is serve the status quo. It is time to start telling our fellow peers, relatives, friends, acquaintances, that we won’t tolerate hatred, injustice, bigotry, etc. I won’t eat at anyone’s table otherwise, and I’m not afraid to tell anyone that I’m ashamed of them.”

If we want accountability, we have to start holding each other accountable more. This idea that you should just “agree to blame the victim” and “put the abuser’s behavior aside” with friends and family, is a construct of toxic masculinity powers that is designed to keep them in power. All it does is serve the status quo. It is time to start telling our fellow peers, relatives, friends, acquaintances, that we won’t tolerate verbal, physical, sexual abuse, etc. I won’t eat at anyone’s table otherwise, and I’m not afraid to tell anyone that I’m ashamed of them.

Oppression is oppression. Abuse is abuse. You don’t get to cherry-pick which injustice you want to speak out against. It’s all injustice. It’s all toxic. POC have been marginalized, oppressed, raped, beaten, and murdered by Whites since 1619. Women have been marginalized, oppressed, raped, beaten, and murdered by toxic men since the beginning of time. When it happens right under your nose and you either enable it, participate in it, or are apathetic about it, that’s a reflection on you, not the person acting out in rage after a lifetime of abuse. 

Today, POC are acting out in rage after lifetimes of abuse. And that’s justifiable. There’s no question that liberation from interpersonal and systemic violence can’t happen unless we begin to value all POC, men, women, and children.

But there is also an unspoken culture that dictates the idea that women whose husbands strangle them or shoot them or set their homes on fire “must have asked for it” or “should have left him” or “had a secret Twitter life”, anything to justify pitting the blame on the victim. If interpersonal violence happens within your family you have a responsibility to stand with the abused. And if you don’t understand or agree with their behavior, you have a responsibility to listen with an open mind and an open heart until you learn what’s behind that behavior.

Until then, get off your soapboxes unless you condemn ALL oppression, all hatred, all injustice. Posting Facebook videos because suddenly you get it doesn’t make you a social justice warrior unless you demand justice for ALL oppressed people, including the ones in your own family. Until you admit to yourselves that NO ONE deserves to be treated like garbage, toxic masculinity will continue to thrive and further embolden those who perpetrate oppression and injustice.


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