Author: admin

Sister

Sister

You won’t explain yourself. I have questions and you refuse to answer them. It’s been four years. And I am angry. You use my anger as an excuse to protect yourself from my “rage”. But you feel so goddam guilty, don’t you? So you blog about what a wonderful nurturer you are because the shame is gnawing at you. You publicly shamed me in your house, at a wedding, and in a courtroom. I want to know why. Give me a valid reason. If you don’t have one, then an apology will do just fine. You’re not perfect, you don’t have to keep up the pretense for me. Dad’s not looking, even if you think he is. Take off your mask and look at me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and say you’re sorry to me. You should be able to admit you fucked up, apologize and work to make things better. If you can’t, you’re a charlatan regardless of what your blog readers think.

I’m Watching You

I’m Watching You

No one reads my blog, except probably you. So here’s the thing.

I want to live the rest of my life without worrying about being stalked. I already know what you’re capable of. I did not and I still do not deserve the pain you caused. You killed my family. You killed my dog. You tried to kill me. You lied to people about it. You manipulated my family to do your bidding. You harassed me, you threatened me, you terrorized me. I deserved love, but you were full of hate. You still are.

The law is on my side, you are forbidden to come within 500 feet of me for the rest of your life. You are forbidden to speak to me in person, through a third party or disguised as a Twitter follower. If I ever discover that you are out there trying to get to me, you will go back to prison, only this time it will be for the rest of your life. If you ever harm one of my babies, I will personally see to it that you pay the price.

Go live the rest of your pathetic life in isolation, which is how I’m living mine. Because of you, I will die alone and I wish the SAME for you. We’re both atheists, but if there’s the slightest possibility that god and the devil exist, I hope you BURN in HELL for eternity.

Tired of Struggling

Tired of Struggling

I matter. The violence that happened to me matters. My voice and my emotions matter.

The people who refuse to validate me by accepting that they hurt me just can’t matter. I cannot let them. The weak little girl in me wants desperately to hear them say they love me and to feel their group hug. It’s what I know…or knew. But my mind is so confused about what reality is at this point. What I spent my entire life thinking of as normal is now a hazy memory, a mixture of warm and fuzzy feelings and excruciating pain. The emotions felt after being rejected by my children, my siblings and even some of my best friends after my attempted murder are not easily expressed. My life continues. I work two jobs, one in a domestic violence center and one as a freelance editor. I’m married to a wonderful person. I have THE most adorable cat on the planet. I’m not only existing, I’m contributing to society in a positive way. I create music and art. I continue to write. I do EVERYTHING in my power to ensure I’m living a “good” life.

But I’m dead inside. I feel numb and detached. I fight the demons that tell me I don’t matter, that I’m worthless. And that’s because my family, from my mother to my brothers and sisters, to my very own children, have demonstrated to me how invaluable I am to them. The demons cause a daily struggle in my head and heart. And I’m SO VERY tired. I don’t remember what it feels like to be relaxed and in my comfort zone. I’m on high alert 24/7 and I’m proactively defensive to the point of paranoia.

I want to just forgive and forget, but that’s impossible when my babies hate me and the rest of my family enables that hatred. I am a survivor of the most heinous domestic abuse. But unfortunately, my abuser was the father of my children. And they chose him. I know in my heart that I am not to blame for the suffering he caused us all. And I know in my heart that I am worthy of love and acceptance by the people who I devoted my life to.

I will die at peace with myself, but in perpetual turmoil over the loss of my babies at the hands of a sociopath. My heart is in shards and I crave the familial glue to repair it, but it will never be. My family failed me.