Sister

Sister

You won’t explain yourself. I have questions and you refuse to answer them. It’s been four years. And I am angry. You use my anger as an excuse to protect yourself from my “rage”. But you feel so goddam guilty, don’t you? So you blog about what a wonderful nurturer you are because the shame …

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I’m Watching You

I’m Watching You

No one reads my blog, except probably you. So here’s the thing. I want to live the rest of my life without worrying about being stalked. I already know what you’re capable of. I did not and I still do not deserve the pain you caused. You killed my family. You killed my dog. You …

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Apologies

Apologies

When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. Your intentions may have been in the right place, but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook if someone you care about is hurting as a direct result of your actions. You don’t have to understand, although I believe …

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Thank You

Thank You

I’m not loveable. Not in the permanent sense. I’ve heard a lot of people tell me they love me, but then they either stop communicating with me, shut me completely out of their lives or they try to murder me. I’ve tried to love myself the way I thought I deserved it, just for being …

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Easter Anxiety

Easter Anxiety

This weekend is Easter. I HATE Easter. First of all, I’m an atheist and the entire idea of a zombie Jesus is nothing short of ludicrous. But the real reason I despise this holiday is the excruciating memories it brings. Four years ago on this very weekend, my sister hosted a bridal shower that I …

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Tired of Struggling

Tired of Struggling

I matter. The violence that happened to me matters. My voice and my emotions matter. The people who refuse to validate me by accepting that they hurt me just can’t matter. I cannot let them. The weak little girl in me wants desperately to hear them say they love me and to feel their group …

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I Am Invisible

I Am Invisible

As I sit here writing this blog post, I realize its sole purpose is to reach certain people. Like every other post, I want to communicate with the people I love, my family. Actually, what I really want is to grab them by the shoulders and shake them hard as I scream “listen to me!” …

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Despair

Despair

I have these feelings of despair like my heart is shattering in a million tiny shards. I can’t breathe and I get the incredible urge to jump off my deck onto the street below. Anything to escape the churning waves of darkness. I’m trying to learn more about despair, to understand why its there and …

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Prepared

Prepared

She wanted him dead. A car accident. A suicide. It didn’t matter. She thought maybe she could will it to happen and one day she’d be liberated. He had enslaved her, debased and gaslighted her. He’d owned her body. Brainwashed her mind. Stolen her money. His toxic stench percolated within her marrow. His phantom handprints …

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Pet Parenting…Again

Pet Parenting…Again

It’s probably safe to say most of us love having pets. They’re expensive little attention whores who make huge messes and constantly demand our attention. But we absolutely adore and pamper our pets. They’re family. I’ve always been an animal lover. I grew up having cats and kind of thought of myself as a sort …

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